There Is A Screaming Child Inside Me

My session with Aisha yesterday lasted less than a minute – I told her I didn’t want to talk, and hung up. I feel very distant from everyone right now. Not angry or upset, but distant. I couldn’t even tolerate being in a room with one of them at the moment. I just want to be alone.

After I hung up, I lay down, curled up and started crying. But then I got curious about which part of me was crying. I closed my eyes, turned my attention inward, and saw a toddler, shiny with tears and snot and saliva, red-faced and wail-screaming. I picked her up, and she banged her head against my collarbone, hard.

I held her, rocking her a little, and she kept crashing against me, but didn’t struggle to get down. She calmed down, gradually, a little, and so did I.

During my lunch break, my GP texted me to ask what was going on, and said that Anna was trying to reach out to her, but that she didn’t want to talk to her until she’d discussed it with me first, and could I please call her? It was the perfect thing to say, and I’m so grateful to her – I feel like even if everyone else is sitting around discussing me, at least Serena has my back. That I’m her priority, not going along with whatever Anna says.

But I still didn’t want to talk to her. I texted her back to let her know I was on strike but okay, and I was cancelling my appointment for tomorrow but I’d see her when she got back from her holiday. She called, then texted to let me know that she’d been calling around and found a psychotherapist who could see me the next day, and a psychiatrist who could see me next week.

I felt an intense stab of pain when she said maybe it was time to get me on the waiting list for a new psychologist. My mind immediately leapt to the assumption that Anna had said she was giving up and she wasn’t going to see me anymore – even though I haven’t decided what I’m going to do and whether I’m going to go back to her yet, the thought that maybe the choice is out of my hands is devastating.

Last night the crisis team from the hospital called me – Anna or Serena must have referred me on to them. I didn’t answer, so they called again today, and texted, then came around to my apartment, but thankfully the intercom is broken so they couldn’t get in. I know I should be mature and reasonable and just talk to them so people stop worrying, but I still don’t want to speak. They’re going to keep coming back until I do.

It sucks that everybody else gets to have boundaries, but I don’t.

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There Is A Screaming Child Inside Me

5 thoughts on “There Is A Screaming Child Inside Me

  1. So sorry, Rea. Changing providers is so painful. Did you get clarification that Anna referred you on? I do like your GP’s response, in wanting to check with you first. Very caring.
    I get the need to sit it out and be quiet, that is okay. Take all the space you need. Sending support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for your support Rachel. I’m still not sure where things stand with Anna but I’m just going to let it be for now. Hope everything is going well with you – look forward to your next post.

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  2. Sending hugs to you and the little child. I think changing providers is really a half d thing. I hope you find out where things stand soon. And Rea? You do get to have boundaries. You are allowed to have them. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a terrifying prospect (hence the screaming, I guess) but at the same time, I know I can get through it if I have to. I’m just still not sure whether I’m overreacting or whether she really doesn’t have the skills to help me. Thank you for the hugs – exactly what I (we) need right now.

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