I’m Being Petulant (And It Doesn’t Become Me)

I still haven’t spoken with Anna, or Aisha, or Jen. And the mental health crisis team is still pursuing me.

They started by just calling and texting me. I didn’t answer. They escalated to coming to my apartment building (but couldn’t get in), leaving me letters, and voice messages saying that if I didn’t allow them into my home to speak with me, they would call the police. (They didn’t.) They threatened to contact my family, then called one of my friends to see if I’d spoken with him, and openly admitted they were breaching my confidentiality by even contacting him.

This makes me angry, on a number of levels. The worst part is, I know my anger isn’t really justified, so I don’t even get to self-righteously enjoy it. Somebody (either Serena or Anna) referred me to them, and so they have to take some steps to check in on me. But I hate that I have no choice but to engage with them; that a normal person can refuse to pick up a phone call they don’t want to answer, but I can’t. I hate that even though I know they have female staff, every phone message and request to come into my home has been from a male. I hate that there’s no way for me to text them back to decline their offer of services, even though they can text me, because I find talking on the phone anxiety-provoking at the best of times.

Today, when I was on my way out to meet with my boss, a man was standing at the front door of my apartment building, banging loudly. I opened the door and smiled at him, and he apologised and went inside. A minute later, he literally ran at me in the street, having belatedly realised that the chick covered in scars was probably the person he was there to see.

I said: “I’ve got somewhere to be“, and kept walking, and thank god he didn’t keep following. But it upset me a surprising amount; I was fighting back tears, and feeling panicky, like my home wasn’t safe anymore. It’s usually a place where I can hide from the outside world, but now the outside world is coming in.

I know I’m being ridiculous about this. If I called them, spoke to them like a mature adult and allowed them to make a home visit, they would probably stop pursuing me. But I’m being petulant because I don’t want to and it’s not fair.

I’m Being Petulant (And It Doesn’t Become Me)

4 thoughts on “I’m Being Petulant (And It Doesn’t Become Me)

  1. I don’t know that I agree with the self-judgment around your avoidance behavior. These people are coming to your home, without permission, and you are creating boundaries by refusing. It sounds like you are wanting to feel safe and feel protected, and you feel scared and very much not protected or safe, so telling them to back off and not engaging is meeting that need for self-protection. Now even though they are trying to “help” you are turned off by the way they are doing that, and I think it is okay to tell them/your GP you need a bit more autonomy and to be treated like an adult, respected and seen not as a “patient” but a human who does have a say in her care.
    Sometimes it is all too much, and we need to hide. And that is okay. It is okay to not want to talk to them, and take a pause while you figure out and re-group to act effectively and skillfully.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Rachel. I’m not sure how much I can let myself off the hook for this one – I hate it but I am passively letting it happen. Appreciate you giving me another perspective though 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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