Fuck Everybody

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It’s been over three weeks since I saw Jen. Over four since I talked to Aisha. That’s my choice, and I’m so mad at them for it.

The day Anna sent me the first termination email, I forwarded it on to Aisha and Jen, with a simple ‘FYI’ at the top. I didn’t want to talk to either of them, felt angry and oppositional at the thought of even being near someone who would want me to talk about my feelings, but I wanted some empathy and caring in a safe, contained way. I wanted an email that said “I’m so sorry, Rea. I’m here whenever you’re ready.” Just that.

It’s been 11 days, and neither of them have responded.

Mostly I’ve been ranting inwardly about how there’s absolutely no possible excuse that could justify Aisha not getting back to me because no competent therapist could possibly not realise that after being abandoned by another practitioner, their client absolutely had to receive affirmation that the therapist cared for them and was still here for them. But that argument is really just avoidance. I’m trying to skirt around owning my feelings by saying that it’s always wrong in every situation and therefore the impact on me is beside the point, she’s clearly a monster, case closed.

It hurts. I feel like I’m a little girl who fell off her bike and is on the ground wailing, blood dripping from both knees. I could get up and hobble over to my mother and tug on her sleeve and she would probably give me some affection, but I don’t want that. I want her to come over and pick me up. But I’ve been sitting alone bleeding for too long now. If she comes, all I’ll do is hit and scream because there’s too much hurt for her to comfort.

I just don’t understand. I know they both care about me. Why would they just let me disappear for weeks? Part of me feels stupid – maybe I thought they cared more than they actually do. Part of me is terrified and devastated that maybe they understand me so little that they don’t even realise how upset I am about Anna quitting, or they think they should just give me space until I decide to come back to sessions. Part of me is furious that maybe they’re trying to train me to directly ask for help, that they’re choosing this moment to withhold any response until I tell them exactly what I want.

Fuck them. Anna has her faults. Too many of them. But if Aisha had quit, and I’d sent her on the email, she would have been in touch within hours.

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Fuck Everybody

5 thoughts on “Fuck Everybody

  1. I would be hurt too if they didn’t respond. That is a big, big deal Anna quit. I wonder what they are thinking. Really, I wonder why they didn’t respond. Ouch.
    Could you ask? Or are you not there yet? Sending support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. If I ask, then I have to be ready for it to come to a point where either they quit or I decide not to see them any more. Part of me wants to just get all the pain and messiness out of the way but I also don’t want to go through this again.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sorry. I would be really hurt, too, if they didn’t respond. Could you send the email you sent again, and just say at the top, “feeling really hurt that I got no response of support or care at all”? The analogy of falling off a bike and wanting mom to come to you makes perfect sense. You really couldn’t have described it better than that. And, it is okay to need to wait to ask them, to hold off on more messiness and hurt. Hang in there. You are being very strong to go through this alone right now. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the suggestion, Alice. I think that actually captures what I need to say perfectly. I so appreciate your support and affirmation. Makes this feel a little less awful.

      Like

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