I don’t like the sullen, pessimistic part of myself very much. I should be trying to embrace it with love and compassion, I suppose, but it kicks me in the kneecap every time I get close, and that gets wearing after a while. Okay, fine, you can sit there by yourself and sulk, then.
The suggestions from the crisis team didn’t work out. Okay, bummer, so call for more names, then, right? No. I tried, I kept trying, I always try so hard, and it didn’t work out and I can’t try any more. (Yes, there’s a good dose of self-pity in with the sullenness, too.)
The thing is, there is another option. When Anna quit she suggested a particular psychiatrist, and this psychiatrist told my doctor she’s willing to see me for an assessment. I was absolutely categorically against it, for two reasons. One is because I don’t want to see anyone that Anna suggested – I don’t want to walk in there feeling like she’s on Anna’s side and not on mine, and wondering what Anna’s told her about me, and afraid to say anything because I feel like she’s ‘spying’ for Anna. Logically I know none of this is true, but it’s a lot of emotional baggage to start with when I already have so much trouble feeling comfortable with someone new.
The main reason I’m reluctant is that she doesn’t seem suited to me at all. Her website repeatedly references working through ‘everyday problems’, and says that she provides support for:
- Relationship issues
- Anxiety and panic disorders
- Bad habits
- Work-life balance
I just…it doesn’t feel right, to me. In the last three months of working with Anna I was hospitalised three times. Is that ‘everyday problems’? Does starting to self-harm at age 10 count as a ‘bad habit’? It hurts, actually. This is who Anna picked for me? That’s all the effort she put in to finding somebody with the skills and resources to work with me?
But today I’ve thrown my hands up. Whatever. I just have to take what I can get. I texted my doctor and told her I’d see this woman, and I’m regretting it. I want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself. This is not helping. Seeing someone without the skills you need is not helpful. But I don’t know how to make myself keep trying and keep making phone calls. I’m slipping further into anxiety and I’m struggling to even show up for work.
I’ve been feeling exhausted and nauseous and just generally oh god death is coming for the last week or so, and the lumps in my armpits make it pretty clear that I have yet another staph infection in one of my burns. Last year I was told by a couple of different doctors that if I don’t stop burning and get the staph infections under control, my arm will need to be amputated.
It would be so easy to just go and get antibiotics. My doctor even texted me today telling me to come in for a visit. But I don’t care. I don’t want to. I don’t like feeling this way, and I definitely don’t want to lose a limb, but I don’t want to do anything about it, either. I am so stubbornly against taking medication and I don’t even know why.
I need somebody else to come and take over my life for a while. Just for a little while, so I can sleep.