Jen Finally Reaches Out

I just got an email from Jen, and I feel awful. There’s a knot in my stomach, my throat feels tight, my chest aches and it seems like I’m not quite getting enough air. Everything is blurry and my head feels light. When I look at things in my room, it doesn’t feel like I’m behind my eyes. I don’t know where I am, but I’m somewhere else.

It was a short, simple message. “We haven’t seen each other in a little while. Just checking in – how are you? Kind regards, Jen.”

I’m angry. Or hurt. Maybe angry because I’m hurt. Finally hearing from her reminds me of how long she went without contacting me. Calling it a little while? It’s been over 5 weeks. I’ve been seeing her weekly for almost 2 years and I’ve only cancelled a session once. A little while? Really?

I want to send back something unhelpful – like “I’m fine. It’s been five weeks, though – not exactly a little while.” I want to test her, I guess. If I’m snarky, will she keep trying or will she just let it (and me) go? Will she apologise or get defensive?

Will she make it better?

I might feel vindicated sending something that pushes her away and tries to make her feel guilty, but after the initial relief of lashing out, it isn’t going to make me feel better. And if I didn’t get a response, I would be furious with myself for sabotaging the only professional support I have left.

So I’m thinking of sending something a bit more real. I’m uncomfortable about it, though. Her emails go to her reception staff, who read them and either respond on her behalf or print a copy for her to look at. This is not really something I want to share with them.

“I’m doing okay at the moment. It’s been over 5 weeks since we saw each other – in context of seeing you every week (bar holidays) for almost 2 years, I don’t really consider that a little while. I’m surprised and sad that you didn’t check in with me after Anna quit. I was very devastated that she gave up after promising to be around for the long haul and I now have to start all over again. I know you’re busy but I guess I thought you’d find time to check if I was coping.”

I’ve been crying as I’ve worked through this post, but my body feels more settled now. I guess I’ll sleep on it, and make a decision in the morning.

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Jen Finally Reaches Out

7 thoughts on “Jen Finally Reaches Out

  1. Rea, this is such a mixed occurrence and emotionally-provocative; nice she reached out, but not with the kind of tenderness you were needing. You’ve been so alone with all this. I’m so sorry any of them weren’t more for you, I wish they could be.
    Did you send that email? You’re very direct and clear in communication. I admire that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s too little, too late. I keep looking at it and going “…Seriously? Did you even write this?”. I haven’t sent the response yet, but will send it tonight I think – I’m hoping if I send after hours then she might read it before her staff do. It’s been pretty awful to find I am still on my own (and that I was trusting enough to believe I wasn’t), and I feel too distant from her to really think this can be fixed, but I guess nothing ventured nothing gained.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I suppose your email would really be for you – your sense of self-worth in expressing yourself. I truly hope she can do the ethical (and human) thing and apologize and repair this for you. Not because the relationship will be “fixed” but because you deserve that much.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh…this is so hurtful. This would make me sad, too. It’s what you needed, for her to reach out, but it’s not the message you hoped for, and it didn’t come when you needed it. 5 weeks is a long time. I do think your email is good, and clearly explains your feeling. I hope you sent it and that she was able to help repair all this. Sending you hugs and support. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for understanding, Alice. Part of me thinks maybe I’m expecting too much from her, but I feel how I feel. I did end up sending it a couple of days ago, but haven’t heard back. Scared of getting a response and of not getting a response. Hope things are improving with you and Bea.

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      1. I’m sorry you haven’t heard back. That waiting is excruciating. I hope she responds soon and that it is a validating and healing response. In the meantime, try to breathe and be gentle with yourself. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

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