So It Turns Out Everybody Sucks

Hi Rea,

Good to hear you are going okay at the moment.

Did you meet with the new psychiatrist and if so how did it go?

When you cancelled a couple of appointments in a row I assumed you had then also gone on to [home state].

You can definitely make appointments to see me when you wish.

Kind Regards

Jen

I just…can’t even believe it. Is this as bad as it feels?

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So It Turns Out Everybody Sucks

23 thoughts on “So It Turns Out Everybody Sucks

  1. If by “bad” you mean unattuned, out to lunch, disconnected, superficial, hurtful, provocative, unaware, baffling, disorienting, a slap in the face? Then yes, it is definitely as bad as it feels. Rea, I am so sorry your providers have so sorely let you down. This is disappointing. You deserve so much more.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m probably overreacting but it almost feels spiteful. If anybody told me that they were hurt and sad by something I’d done, I would apologise, let alone if it was one of my clients. Literally all it needed to make it redeemable was “I’m so sorry you are hurt I didn’t get in touch with you. When you cancelled a couple of appointments…”. The absence of any indication that she’s sorry I’m upset feels really personal. Ugh. I don’t know why this is happening.

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      1. It is a very disconnected and distance and generic response, which does indicate to me she isn’t feeling on her end. Isn’t able to feel the impact of her behavior on you, which isn’t “personal” in a sense it is because you did anything wrong (though I know it may feel that way), but her lack of capacity. She can’t go there. It is really upsetting, and I get why it feels personal – if she cared, wouldn’t she say something? If ___, wouldn’t she? I think she cares very much, and can’t really tolerate her own feelings around not being there for you. So she has to shut it down and brush it off and put it back on you. Not right, not in any sense. I’m glad you are keeping you wits about you. Ugh is right. This is tough, and so painful when they can’t just apologize.

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  2. Sirena says:

    Yes it is as bad as it feels. She has a duty of care to you and it is her job not to assume and it is her job to make sure a vulnerable AWOL client is okay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. I really don’t understand. You have a client with a history of suicide attempts who’d been severely cutting and burning the last time you saw her, her primary therapist quits and she cancels her appointments with you…so you just assume she’s gone home and she’s fine? What? I’m swinging between mad and sad and totally numb.

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      1. Sirena says:

        I really don’t blame you. It’s negligent in my opinion. I’m sorry she hasn’t been better for you. Is it out of character for her do u think?

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      2. Yes and no. She’s very big on autonomy, to the extent that I once told her I’d taken a toxic – level overdose and she let me go home by myself (luckily I took myself to the hospital late that night). So she’s definitely not the type to chase me to come back, but she does do check in texts and phone calls when things are bad, so it’s weird that she didn’t. And sending such a cold uncaring response seems way out of character.

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      3. Sirena says:

        Hm. I do wonder whether the tone of her email is more to do with professional standards, it sounds like the emails are sometimes read by receptionists? Perhaps she’d express more warmth in person? Are you willing to go back to her?

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      4. We almost always text, not email – so if she was concerned about that then she could have texted or called me. She’s definitely warmer in person, but right now I’m pretty deep in the “pain is not gain” mindset and I don’t want to see her. Hurts too much.

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  3. I am sorry. I’ve had those questions about autonomy and care and don’t really get it either. Either way it hurts. Hurts a lot. Since her response is out of character maybe you should ask her about it? Call her on it? To me it seemed like your previous email to her was pretty clear, reaching out, and letting her know whats going on. But maybe you are wanting to be done with her which would be understandable. Sorry she is being sucky.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m pretty done with her for right now. Too much shame to keep banging down her door, and I don’t want to risk escalating things any more when I don’t have any backup support right now. I’ve read your posts about Elle and autonomy before and gone yes! exactly! someone else is in this weird place of them caring, but not stopping us being self-destructive. Thanks for getting the hurt and the suckiness.

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      1. Its hard to know if moving on is the right thing or not. Especially when our gut instincts have been kept quiet (or just haven’t been that reliable or healthy)! It sounds like these relationships have been helpful in the past, but you are in a different place now. You deserve more. I think you will be able to take the good things from them and when ready move beyond their limits. As cheesy as that sounds, Maybe you are ready for something more, something better, for more healing beyond the caring. It still really sucks though. sorry.

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      2. That’s so insightful and it’s been a huge part of this for me…trying to separate caring from healing. I guess I figured that as long as they cared about me the rest would all be fine, but it doesn’t really work like that. I do think I’ll go back to Jen some stage, but not now, and not for the same reasons I’ve been seeing her.

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      3. yep you need good boundaries, skills, and consistency in addition to the caring. I believe its out there for you. its going to suck to find it and will take some trial and error, but its out there and you sound ready for it.

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  4. It’s bad. Of course this feels bad and hurtful. She didn’t apologize, she didn’t seem very attuned to your needs and feelings. It really does read like a generic, form type letter. I’m so sorry. Sending you all the supportive thoughts. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t help but feel that she knew that response would hurt me and she sent it anyway. I know that’s unfair and I can’t ever be sure of what somebody else is thinking, but I can’t see how she could possibly not realise. Feels pretty awful. Thank you for the support.

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  5. It feels so cold. It may be as Rachel says that she feels guilty and to distance herself from that bad feeling, she retreats and pretends it is all okay. It doesn’t seem very responsible. It also doesn’t feel like she’s well prepared to deal with serious situations.

    Can you just use her minimally–literally, just use her to keep yourself going without going deep or making yourself particularly open to her–until you get set up with a decent primary provider? The main thing is to have a few resources you can turn to while you get a reliable, trustworthy support system in place.

    It’s not you, Rea. Please don’t even think that for a second. There is something wrong on her end.

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    1. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but no, I really can’t. I’d be more comfortable calling the crisis line and getting a visit from a stranger if things get bad, as much as I hate that system. Just thinking about being in a room with her makes me want to hurt myself and I don’t want to put myself through that when I don’t have to. Maybe I should be pushing myself, but right now I’m taking the gentle path.

      I’ve been trying to convince myself it’s not me, but I just can’t believe it. I’ve had all 3 providers quit, reject me or just plain disappear in the space of a month – that seems like too much of a coincidence. What I’m trying to believe is that even if it is because of me needing too much or being too much in some other way, that doesn’t mean that I’m bad or they’re bad, just that we aren’t the right fit. I’d probably have more luck converting the Pope, but I’m trying.

      Thank you, Q. Really: thank you.

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      1. Mental health providers need to be able to support individuals who are going through times when they “need too much” (more accurately: “legitimately need frequent attention and support than some other clients”). There are many of us who go through times like that, and it is THEIR job to set up systems, to get their own support, and to have sufficient training to deal with it. That is part of being a professional.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It’s okay to be at that ambivalent stage, to know in your head that it is true and not yet feel it in your heart. That is a normal (though painful) place to be before you are ready to believe that kindness and compassion and love apply to you as well as to others. xxoo

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