That’s It, I’m Done, I Give Up

I don’t like the sullen, pessimistic part of myself very much. I should be trying to embrace it with love and compassion, I suppose, but it kicks me in the kneecap every time I get close, and that gets wearing after a while. Okay, fine, you can sit there by yourself and sulk, then. 

The suggestions from the crisis team didn’t work out. Okay, bummer, so call for more names, then, right? No. I tried, I kept trying, I always try so hard, and it didn’t work out and I can’t try any more. (Yes, there’s a good dose of self-pity in with the sullenness, too.)

The thing is, there is another option. When Anna quit she suggested a particular psychiatrist, and this psychiatrist told my doctor she’s willing to see me for an assessment. I was absolutely categorically against it, for two reasons. One is because I don’t want to see anyone that Anna suggested – I don’t want to walk in there feeling like she’s on Anna’s side and not on mine, and wondering what Anna’s told her about me, and afraid to say anything because I feel like she’s ‘spying’ for Anna. Logically I know none of this is true, but it’s a lot of emotional baggage to start with when I already have so much trouble feeling comfortable with someone new.

The main reason I’m reluctant is that she doesn’t seem suited to me at all. Her website repeatedly references working through ‘everyday problems’, and says that she provides support for:

  • Relationship issues
  • Anxiety and panic disorders
  • Depression
  • Stress
  • Bad habits
  • Work-life balance

I just…it doesn’t feel right, to me. In the last three months of working with Anna I was hospitalised three times. Is that ‘everyday problems’? Does starting to self-harm at age 10 count as a ‘bad habit’? It hurts, actually. This is who Anna picked for me? That’s all the effort she put in to finding somebody with the skills and resources to work with me?

But today I’ve thrown my hands up. WhateverI just have to take what I can get. I texted my doctor and told her I’d see this woman, and I’m regretting it. I want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself. This is not helping. Seeing someone without the skills you need is not helpful. But I don’t know how to make myself keep trying and keep making phone calls. I’m slipping further into anxiety and I’m struggling to even show up for work.

I’ve been feeling exhausted and nauseous and just generally oh god death is coming for the last week or so, and the lumps in my armpits make it pretty clear that I have yet another staph infection in one of my burns. Last year I was told by a couple of different doctors that if I don’t stop burning and get the staph infections under control, my arm will need to be amputated.

It would be so easy to just go and get antibiotics. My doctor even texted me today telling me to come in for a visit. But I don’t care. I don’t want to. I don’t like feeling this way, and I definitely don’t want to lose a limb, but I don’t want to do anything about it, either. I am so stubbornly against taking medication and I don’t even know why.

I need somebody else to come and take over my life for a while. Just for a little while, so I can sleep.

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That’s It, I’m Done, I Give Up

17 thoughts on “That’s It, I’m Done, I Give Up

  1. Aww, I’ll come take over your life. I used to be a case manager, I am really good at getting people what they need 🙂 Wish I could, really. Or at the least just come and hang with you and Everest for the weekend.
    All that aside, I also feel some trepidation around this psychiatrist who doesn’t have trauma training/expertise. Your care is too nuanced. Also, I am curious – is there a reason you are only looking for a psychiatrist?> I am just thinking it might be easier to find a therapist who is skilled with trauma. Of course there is probably a reason for your decision, I just haven’t inferred it from your writing.
    Sorry Rea, this is tough, you’re still coping so well. I get that hopeless feeling, of wanting it to just go away or have someone make it better. It is too much to cope with alone, it really is. But you keep doing it. You’re so resilient.

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    1. Everest would love that – somebody new to chew on! I would happily relinquish my life to your control. No Justin Bieber posters on the wall, please, but otherwise do as you wish.

      I am resilient up to a certain point, and then I collapse into a dramatic heap of woe. I just have to let it be what it is for the moment, I guess – if I call in sick tomorrow and stay in bed with a block of chocolate, well, there are worse things.

      You’re absolutely right that it would be easier to find a good therapist. In fact, I’ve found a number that I’m dying to see while looking for psychiatrists. The problem is that here, you can only get 10 rebates a year of half the cost of a psychologist. So 10 sessions costing about $110, and the rest of the year $220 – $250 a session. Going twice a week, that’s at least $440 and I just don’t have that kind of disposable income. If I emptied my savings I could do it for a year, but my therapy is going to take longer than that. For a psychiatrist, there’s no limit on rebates and once I spend $2000 it’ll end up costing me about $20 a session. Realistically that’s my only option.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Holy shit – I see why the psychiatrist is your only option. That is intense – that is so expensive. Therapists are not that expensive here! I pay out of pocket, but it is $100 a session. Still not cheap, and not really something I can sustain without support (my dad pays for one session a week, and the other I am trying to get partially reimbursed by new insurance). Because you are right, it will take longer than a year. Much longer. And twice a week really is necessary, at the minimum.
        That is so unfortunate. I do hold hope you can find a psychiatrist. UGH. Ugh.
        No Bieber? Hmm, okay. I’ll have to re-think this. (kidding).

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      2. $100 a session is a lot of money. I often feel resentful about having to spend so much of my income on therapy instead of books or travel or other things that make me happy. It seems unfair that we have to go without other things to help us deal with problems that aren’t our fault.

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      3. I feel the same way – I feel defeated at how much I spent on therapy to constantly feel so upset and in such distress. To have to make choices based on the expense, too. Does feel really unfair.

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      4. That is insanely expensive! And so unfair, since it’s much more likely you will find a psychologist who has the skills for the long-term therapy that would be most helpful. How can anybody do that, $440/week?

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      5. I also find it utterly baffling. Surely anybody who earns that much can’t actually take time off from work to go to therapy twice a week?? The friends of mine who go to therapy can only afford once a fortnight/3 weeks for a limited period of time, which is very far from what they need and deserve.

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  2. I can feel that you are so overwhelmed and stressed and struggling. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain. And making phone calls and decisions when you’re feeling terrible is so so so hard. Like, you need to make phone calls because you need a psychiatrist but you are feeling out of control and stressed because you don’t have a psychiatrist.

    Maybe this woman isn’t the right psychiatrist, but is there any chance she can recommend someone else? Maybe you can talk to her and she will think about someone to recommend that has more experience with trauma.

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    1. It’s such a catch 22! Need a psychiatrist because i feel terrible…cant get a psychiatrist because I feel terrible. I am trying to be ruthless about doing whatever it takes to find someone even if it means things I would normally judge myself for, like asking other people to make calls for me or emailing instead of calling. If it comes to it I will see her and get a referral, but that has repeatedly failed for me in the past so it feels like a last resort.

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  3. I have the same reservations about this person being the right one to meet your long-term needs. Sometimes it works to temporize though with whatever you can. I have certainly worked short-term with different psychologists and psychiatrists when I haven’t had the insurance or access to something better. And Sophia is right, maybe this psychiatrist, after talking to you, might be able to match you up with someone who has trauma-specific training.

    If I could come over and make the calls for you, I would. I’m kind of bored sitting around in my recliner waiting for my vaginal tissue to grow over the mesh and the stitches to heal… I don’t have Rachel’s case manager expertise but I have lots of experience calling around and interviewing people to get services for my son with autism. Plus I have zero interest in Justin Bieber.

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    1. I saw 6 psychiatrists last year, all on the basis of referrals from other psychiatrists. It could work, but in honesty, I’m pretty weary of the whole concept. Thank you for saying you’d make calls if you could – makes me feel supported.

      It never fails to frustrate me that when I’m drowning in work I’m desperate for a break, but when I finally get a break I’m bored and I don’t know what to do with myself. I hope you are able to find some great books to read or TV shows to marathon while you heal. I am a big fan of the Book Thief in fiction, and the Art of Asking in nonfiction.

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  4. I agree with Sophia, maybe even if she isnt someone who can help you long term, she can help you find that person. I am hoping that she fills most of her slots with peeps with everyday sorts of issues and takes on one or two higher needs so she can really meet the needs. Maybe far fetched but that’s what I hope for. I get being done with it all. You’ve done a tremendous amount already and you are tired. You have been very brave. I will admit that I have also wanted someone to take over since I keep screwing up my life but then I refuse to do what others suggest, so it makes me smile a little because I assume you are a little stubborn like me…. maybe that’s all projection? But if it is your stubbornness that has kept you going, that is a good thing.

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    1. Stubborn?? Me?? You must be thinking of someone else 😉 my parents didn’t always make good decisions for me and I’m used to digging my heels in and just doing my own thing – I would never have gone to law school if I’d listened to my mother. But sometimes my stubbornness works against me so I have to learn to be smarter about when it’s serving me and when it’s not.

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      1. I am glad you are stubborn. It is a good, strong, and life saving trait. But you are right that we have to learn to use our powers for good.

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  5. I was going to say that I’m proud of you. You feel like quitting and sound so worn down, and yet you still willing to meet this psych, even though you aren’t sure she is the right fit. I think if you go see her, and it’s not right, maybe she can help you get in with someone who is right. You’ve been through a lot, and you have handled it very gracefully, it is okay to just be done for right now, and to take a break. You have an appt. You can rest. Breathe now, and rest. It is okay. Xx

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    1. I took this literally – slept in, skipped most of work and my volunteer shift and just rested. Amazing what a difference it made. I’m so glad you are also getting a break this weekend.

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