Groomph and Meh, With a Side of Sulking

I’m mad at Nikki for calling the crisis team, and I’m mad at the crisis team for being shit, and I’m mad at myself for being impossible to help. And I’m a little mad at Albus for pooing in my toiletries container, but that’s a different story.

Last week, right after they had actually visited, it didn’t affect our session at all. I wished she hadn’t called them, but I didn’t feel guarded or closed off from her.

That shifted over the weekend, when I was googling suicide methods until I found one that ticks all of my boxes, and broke down in tears thinking about tucking myself into bed for the last time, and holding Everest in my arms while I died. I don’t want that to happen, but I’m afraid it will. Before, I would have felt some comfort knowing that on Tuesday I could tell Nikki how awful things were, and even though she couldn’t do anything to change it, she would care, and I wouldn’t have to be the only person in the world knowing just how dire things were getting. But now that I know she’s going to call the crisis team, I can’t talk to her about more intense suicidal ideation.

And I’m MAD. I’m mad that she’s left me alone with this pain and this fear and sadness. I’m mad that she passed me on to the POINTLESS crisis team who show up, see the noose ON THE GROUND, and do NOTHING, just to cover her ass because legally she has to call them, but she hasn’t tried to find me any ACTUAL help, like the community support program I’ve found in my area, or the public system she SAID she’d try to get me into.

I’m MAD that she isn’t as invested as Anna, or Jen, or Serena. I’m MAD that she didn’t really make an effort to find out how I felt about the crisis team coming, or whether it was going to put me at more risk of hurting myself. When Anna contacted the crisis team for the first time, she called me a few hours beforehand to talk about my anxieties around it, then arranged a text check-in after they’d come, and called again the next day to make sure it hadn’t sent me off the edge of a cliff. And I feel betrayed and alone and sad, because I trusted Nikki, I shared so much with her, and it feels like she’s taken that trust too lightly. That she knew passing me on to the crisis team was a big deal, but she didn’t really get it, and she didn’t really do anything to try to protect our relationship.

I couldn’t talk to her today. Going in, I knew that closing off from her would just hurt me more, but I couldn’t summon any part of me that wanted to share anything personal with her. Towards the end she asked me if I had “one foot out the door“, and I just shrugged.

I wasn’t trying to punish her by refusing to talk, and I wasn’t even feeling angry with her. I know that legally she had to do it, and I know that she struggled with it, knowing it would affect our relationship, and she was chastised by the crisis team for waiting three days to contact them instead of doing it immediately. I know she didn’t do anything wrong, but the trust we had is gone.

I’m going to go back and try again. I’ll try to open back up to her, and hope we can connect again. But next Tuesday feels like a long way away.

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Groomph and Meh, With a Side of Sulking

21 thoughts on “Groomph and Meh, With a Side of Sulking

  1. I would be mad too! The crisis team sounds like a joke. I understand burdened social systems, but based on what you have written here, an intervention was indicated. I am curious how you might have felt, if you had been hospitalized? Are you wanting someone to intervene on that level?
    I am really saddened that Nikki’s decision is now giving you pause to share openly with her. I really don’t like the thought that you are keeping plans and thoughts to yourself (except cryptically on here). And that you have another plan. As I was reading this post, I felt a sense of sadness and helplessness in thinking you could kill yourself and no one can intervene because no one knows. I firmly believe your life doesn’t have to end with suicide, I do think there are treatments and therapies that could help. You just haven’t had access to properly skilled professionals.
    I’m really sorry you’re hurting so much. I know there is so much pain in the desire to die. So much pain.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really don’t want to be hospitalized. There are lots of superficial reasons, like I can’t afford to pay rent if I’m not working, I have work responsibilities I don’t want to abandon, I hate being separated from Everest…but really, I think it’s mostly about control. I’ve been very autonomous since I was a toddler, and I feel trapped and panicky and angry at the thought of somebody else making the rules about when I can go to bed and when I eat and where I can be at certain hours. My parents were never in charge of me; if they really wanted me to do something, they’d tell my brother C to go and deal with me, because I adored him and he knew how to talk to me. And the thought of being around people all the time makes me want to scratch off my own skin. But I was very resistant to participating in a group, was convinced that I’d hate it, and by the end of DBT I was sad to say goodbye. So I know that my expectations wouldn’t necessarily be reality, but still. I don’t want to.

      I do want more support, though. Over the last month or so it’s becoming clear to me that thoughts of suicide and self harm significantly ramp up over the weekend and something needs to change. The problem with most of the services I’ve been able to find is that I seem to be too high-functioning – I work 5 days a week and volunteer in my free time.

      Thank you for validating the mad. I hate being upset over this because she really was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I hear you, I wouldn’t want to be hospitalized either. It is a really unsatisfying environment and often not therapeutic.
        You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place too – it’s like, take what you can get or hold some standards. You’re not incorrect in what you want. People fall short, and it hurts.
        I don’t want you to die, Rea.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks, Rach. In some ways that seems like an obvious statement, but it also really, really isn’t and hearing it explicitly really matters. I don’t want to die either, most days. So I’m going to have to step up and do something about it, I guess.

        Liked by 3 people

      3. That’s what our friends are for, to state the not-so-obvious when we are suffering. We really aren’t meant to be all alone, in life or with our pain. I think most of us just got that message because our parents couldn’t be there for us. But we really aren’t meant to be alone.
        I trust your ability to do something, I really do.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey Rea I don’t want you to die either. I understand or at least can imagine keenly why its something you struggle with. I am glad part of you still wants help, is recognizing that the people and organizations around you aren’t getting you that help. Being somewhat high functioning myself, I can also imagine that people listen when you say no (to things like going in-patient, or setting up a real safety plan or whatever). It puts you at a disadvantage in a lot of ways. But from over here, it is time to up the anti for the part of you that wants to live and wants to stop the pain. It is difficult to do that in isolation. Its difficult to say yes to something like hospitalization. I hope for you. I don’t know for sure what the answer is, but I do hope for you, and like Rachel I don’t think suicide is inevitable, but that does mean changing things up. God I feel like such a hypocrite. Please don’t hate me for it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s hard because I have days where things are so bad and I’m ready to take whatever help I can get, and then by the time I see Nikki a week later, the moment has passed and it doesn’t seem so urgent anymore…until it is again.

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      1. Totally get it. Thats why I am kind of mad at myself for sending emails when after awhile I calm down and don’t feel so desperate and feel stupid for having sent stuff that while true, doesn’t have to be so damn dramatic. ugghh. hate it. But its still probably a good thing I sent it. So maybe for both of us we should go ahead and do things while no in crisis mode so that the next time one hits we are already safe? Not sure exactly what that would look like.

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  3. This.shaking says:

    Dear Rea: I SO WANT you to live. You and Albus and Everest are so REAL to me. I feel helpless to help you with your so-much-pain. I am still holding Albus for you from the other day. I watch him and see how much he, and Everest, love you. And I know that Nikki had to call the team, but she seems too have really muffed that up at the beginning, and also now. So I am really really MAD at her. Can you only talk with her once (or whatever it is) a week – even when you are in extremis??
    What if you told her what you are feeling about HER? Do you think she could handle that? Could you please keep writing about your anger?
    Please stay with us, Rea. You are dear to me. TS

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    1. Sometimes I’m not sure if you are Real, TS, because it seems impossible that somebody who says such wonderful things could actually exist. I am trying hard to stay here.

      Nikki brought out of session up last week, and gave me a long spiel about how she isn’t a crisis line, she can’t be available, etc etc, and I sat quietly feeling ashamed and angry, because she was telling me I couldn’t have something I never even asked for. And I can’t afford to see her twice a week. So yes, I only talk to her once a week.

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      1. I don’t want to undermine anything so I will try and be careful with my response. I am not a fan of Nikki right now. It feels like back peddling. I think she does truly care and I love how nurturing she has been with you in session. Do not like this though. not at all.

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      2. It’s very different for me because every person I’ve seen for more than two weeks has given me their phone number and email address and encouraged me to reach out whenever. And I very rarely did, but the offer made me feel more connected to them, and I’m having to remind myself that it doesn’t mean Nikki doesn’t like me.

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      3. Good point, if she doesn’t offer out of session contact, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, its just not the way she does things. But why did she feel the need to point that out now? I think it should be part of the initial consult or spelled out in their policies some where rather then made into a guessing game of sorts…. perhaps this is more my issue then yours though. I can see why the others would offer their info to you, you are likeable and I can see them wanting to be available and helpful to you.

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      4. YES. Exactly this. This is the biggest thing I want to know about a potential new psychologist or psychiatrist but I’m too uncomfortable to bring it up in case they assume that I’m asking for it and get all weird about it. Hate it.

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      5. I think it is important to bring up, so I wonder if there is a way to bring it up without letting your meanself talk you out of it because it could be weird. Maybe the next time you check out a provider, bring in a list of questions, like an interview. “I’ve worked with a lot of providers and everyone has a different policy about out of session contact, both in general and as part of safety planning. What is your policy?”

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  4. Hi Rea,
    I wish I could take the pain of the suicidal ideation away from you. Unfortunately, I know all too well that I can’t. I also wish I could take away the “therapist pain” – I’m so sorry about Nikki. Just know that I am thinking about you and sending you warmth and strength, as much as I can. xx Blooming Lily

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    1. Thanks so much, Lily! I’m really honored. I’ve never thought about it before, but your post about it and reasons for going award-free really clicked for me. I’m glad you participated this time – I’m really looking forward to exploring the other blogs you nominated. Hope you’re feeling better today.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks Rea! I showed T my blog post from yesterday, and she responded by email in a way that really resonated with me (planning to write a post on it later this week), so today has actually been okay. I’ve done some coloring, played with my cat, and am hoping to bake something special (zucchini bread) tonight. I hope your weekend has been okay, too. ❤ xx

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      2. There is something really grounding about sitting down and playing with a cat – Everest and Albus (my therapy kittens) have been able to make me laugh on some very bad days. I was excited when I read that you have a therapy cat too! Looking forward to reading your post and glad you’re feeling better.

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