I’m mad at Nikki for calling the crisis team, and I’m mad at the crisis team for being shit, and I’m mad at myself for being impossible to help. And I’m a little mad at Albus for pooing in my toiletries container, but that’s a different story.
Last week, right after they had actually visited, it didn’t affect our session at all. I wished she hadn’t called them, but I didn’t feel guarded or closed off from her.
That shifted over the weekend, when I was googling suicide methods until I found one that ticks all of my boxes, and broke down in tears thinking about tucking myself into bed for the last time, and holding Everest in my arms while I died. I don’t want that to happen, but I’m afraid it will. Before, I would have felt some comfort knowing that on Tuesday I could tell Nikki how awful things were, and even though she couldn’t do anything to change it, she would care, and I wouldn’t have to be the only person in the world knowing just how dire things were getting. But now that I know she’s going to call the crisis team, I can’t talk to her about more intense suicidal ideation.
And I’m MAD. I’m mad that she’s left me alone with this pain and this fear and sadness. I’m mad that she passed me on to the POINTLESS crisis team who show up, see the noose ON THE GROUND, and do NOTHING, just to cover her ass because legally she has to call them, but she hasn’t tried to find me any ACTUAL help, like the community support program I’ve found in my area, or the public system she SAID she’d try to get me into.
I’m MAD that she isn’t as invested as Anna, or Jen, or Serena. I’m MAD that she didn’t really make an effort to find out how I felt about the crisis team coming, or whether it was going to put me at more risk of hurting myself. When Anna contacted the crisis team for the first time, she called me a few hours beforehand to talk about my anxieties around it, then arranged a text check-in after they’d come, and called again the next day to make sure it hadn’t sent me off the edge of a cliff. And I feel betrayed and alone and sad, because I trusted Nikki, I shared so much with her, and it feels like she’s taken that trust too lightly. That she knew passing me on to the crisis team was a big deal, but she didn’t really get it, and she didn’t really do anything to try to protect our relationship.
I couldn’t talk to her today. Going in, I knew that closing off from her would just hurt me more, but I couldn’t summon any part of me that wanted to share anything personal with her. Towards the end she asked me if I had “one foot out the door“, and I just shrugged.
I wasn’t trying to punish her by refusing to talk, and I wasn’t even feeling angry with her. I know that legally she had to do it, and I know that she struggled with it, knowing it would affect our relationship, and she was chastised by the crisis team for waiting three days to contact them instead of doing it immediately. I know she didn’t do anything wrong, but the trust we had is gone.
I’m going to go back and try again. I’ll try to open back up to her, and hope we can connect again. But next Tuesday feels like a long way away.