When Nikki’s voice gets gentle, it’s like being in a warm, dark cocoon. I could curl up and stay there forever.
I’m glad I asked for a phone call. It was awkward, and we talked over each other, and I got choked up and could barely speak, and Everest was in the background wailing for food, but I feel warmer towards her, now. Still distant, still uncomfortable, but warmer.
I asked whether it would be helpful to send her some of the stuff I’ve written, and she was enthusiastic (“That would be great!“) but when I asked for reassurance (“….Are you sure?“) she really showed up.
“Oh, completely! Completely. That’s not a problem at all. That’s fantastic! I’d welcome any of that.”
And she explained that she’s feeling a lot of pressure to get to know me quickly so she can start to help. I felt defensive, and a little ashamed, because pressure means demands and demands mean you think you’re worth demanding something, and I wanted to deny it, to say “That’s not me, I never rush into relationships with new people, never,” but the truth is I do want to skip all of this introductory stuff. I want a relationship like I had with Aisha and with Jen, and I don’t want to wait. I want someone I can confide in, somebody who can comfort me, and I want it now.
(Ew, ew, why does it feel so wrong and so weird to be putting pressure on our relationship? It just feels so completely opposite to who I am, but I don’t even really understand what it all means.)
I’m understanding more, now, that the thing I’m struggling with most is unpredictability. Sometimes Nikki is gentle, and caring, and sometimes she’s brisk, almost harsh, and I never know which she’s going to be.
So I was brave, and I wrote to her about the things she said that hurt, and ended in me walking out of session, and I sent her my list of coping strategies and my old crisis plan with Anna, and some blog posts. A lot of blog posts, actually. The long one I wrote about my relationship with Anna, and the list of things I want out of therapy (oh, god), and the one about the needs met by self harm (oh, fuck), and other ones about Aisha and oh, man, maybe this was a bad idea.
I tried not to censor anything, but I marked the things I’m not ready to talk about yet. The stuff about my issues with my body was marked ** Very, very off limits. Guarded by a moat with dragons and crocodiles and Arnold Schwarzenegger, and also the moat is on fire. But maybe it’s worse, knowing that she knows and it just being an elephant in the room.
That was on Wednesday. It’s Sunday now, and she hasn’t replied. And I feel okay about it, but I feel terrified about my session on Tuesday.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with Psychiatrist #10. She has fifteen pages of negative reviews online, and I’m nervous, but only a little. I almost want her to be bad, I think, so that I don’t have to decide between her and Nikki.