Psychiatrist #10, Meds and DBT

I’m not sure whether I’d actually shoot myself. I just want to hold the gun, and see how it feels. And then put it in my mouth, and decide. Do I want to pull the trigger?

It’s 3am, and I didn’t go to work today. I meant to, I was going to, but I couldn’t get up. My boss called this morning to check whether I was in the office yet, and I told him I’d be there in half an hour or so. And then I hung up, lay back down and went back to sleep.

I am not functional. I can’t function. I have been hurting myself since I was five years old, and I am still hurting myself. I broke five bones in my wrist this year. I burnt myself so badly I needed surgery, again. I am fucking traumatized. I have been traumatized for years and years and years. I first tried to kill myself when I was 13 – why am I still alive?

Everest just heard me sobbing, and got up on the bed to rub her face against my cheek. Over the last few days she’s been lying with me, her head on my neck, on my shoulder, tucked into the crook of my arm. She’s saved me so many times.

I think the best way to describe Psychiatrist #10 is to describe her office. Her desk is bigger than the ocean, and sits between us. My chair is low to the ground, so I am looking up at her, feeling a little like I’m in the principals office, and I’m in trouble. The tissues are in a gold metal container, resting on a silver platter next to a bottle of hand sanitizer. I imagine the psychiatrist uses it more often than her patients do.

On Tuesday, I saw her for the third time, and she switched my Effexor for Cymbalta. On Wednesday morning, before I’d even started the switch, I couldn’t get up – it’s not the meds that are breaking me. But Effexor is hard to come off, and my body is feeling the way it does after I overdose. There’s a weird taste in my mouth, and a blockage in my throat, and a cold knot in my stomach.

The second time I saw her, she told me there was no point doing psychodynamic therapy because there are so many gaps in my memory, and the only thing that has any chance of making a difference is DBT. And I agreed to join a six month class, because I don’t want to sit around complaining about how bad things are without doing anything to try to make them better.

The last time I did DBT, almost exactly a year ago now, I spun completely out of control. I took an overdose and cut my arms, and I would have died on my bathroom floor if the police rescue squad hadn’t broken in. I am fucking terrified of doing it again. Last time I had Aisha, and Jen, and Anna, and R, and it wasn’t enough. Now all I have is Nikki, once a week, and it’s nowhere near enough.

Wouldn’t it be better to die now, before any more broken bones? Before any more lacerations, concussions, burns, bruises, stitches, surgery?

It occurred to me a couple of hours ago that I need to write a note, to make sure someone posts to tell you if I die. I don’t want to just disappear and leave you wondering.

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Psychiatrist #10, Meds and DBT

16 thoughts on “Psychiatrist #10, Meds and DBT

  1. Hugs. Lots and lots of safe hugs. Oh Rea. I wish I had the perfect thing to say. I don’t have a lot of time right now, but I will be back to write more in an hour or so. Please stay safe. Xx

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    1. Rea…..I get it. Things feel really helpless and painful right now. It might not be exactly the same, but when I feel out of control, death seems like a good out, an easy, safe option. But it’s not an easy option! It’s so permanent. Cutting, breaking bones, eating disordered behavior, all of that is impermanent. We can change those behaviors, we can stop them, adjust them, find new coping skills. But death….there’s nothing we can do to change that. I understand that death feels like it would be a relief; there is so much sadness and pain right now.

      I hate it when others tell me things change, feelings change, these feelings won’t last forever. But it does seem to be true— it just never feels like that when we’re in the darkness. Hearing and knowing that things change doesn’t take away from the pain you feel right now.

      I wish you felt you had more people in your life to rely on for support. I’m so glad you have Everest for cuddles. You also have all of us, and and Nikki.

      I’m really glad you posted. Please keep writing. Let us all support you through this. Xx💟 Alice

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  2. I’m so glad you posted, I am glad to hear an update and what is on your mind. I get that things are really intense right now, and you feel completely hopeless and at a loss for how this mess is ever going to be less of a mess. I hear that there don’t seem to be helpful options, feasible options, for you (other than death). I wish there was an immediate way to feel better, to feel safe and not so traumatized. If I knew and had that way, I would personally fly over to Australia and hand-deliver it to you. Please don’t give up.

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  3. Sirena says:

    Thank god for Everest. What a beautiful little soul. I wish I lived near you so I could cuddle you and then kick your ass for contemplating death! 😉
    There are other options and you need to fight to find them, because it is worth it.
    And I want to say about not having so many helpers in your life… that might not be a bad thing. Too much input or too much therapy can have a detrimental effect. Though I agree maybe one more person wouldn’t hurt.
    Please take care Rea, you are too important to me and others to die.

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  4. Hugs to you and catnip for Everest, that beautiful beautiful tiny life.

    I care so deeply for you Rea (I hope that’s okay to say), and you mean so much to me. Your comments have brought me back from some really hard times… and I know that I am not the only one. You bring something important to our community.

    And I a

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    1. And I pressed the button too fast.

      You sound like you feel hopeless and lost and alone, and I wish I could come sit with you and Everest while you cry and just take care of you for a while. You are worthy of love and a beautiful soul, and I’m so so so sorry that it hurts so much.

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  5. Don’t hold the gun. Don’t put it up to your mouth, please. These are not actions that will bring you anything positive.

    I know you don’t feel right now that there IS anything positive for you our there. I get that. I’ve been there, and I’ll probably be there again at some point. All the other kind and compassionate women who have already commented here also know what that is like. It’s terrible and feels so hopeless. But that’s the traumatized parts taking over; that’s the depression talking.

    There are other parts of yourself. I know there are, because healthier parts leave very thoughtful, constructive, and loving comments on other people’s posts. There is a very deep and compassionate wisdom in you that is visible in your posts and comments. It’s that wisdom that can get you through this. That wisdom would definitely tell others to stay away from guns. That wisdom would say tell Nikki your reservations about DBT and your willingness to try it anyway. It would say see if you and she can make a plan to support you so you don’t have to spin out of control.

    Dear one, you are too beautiful a soul to self-destruct. We love you and need you.

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  6. I think I understand what you are saying about the gun and it being just ‘testing’ yourself in a way. But with a gun it is so easy to make that split second choice to die and there is no possibility of rescue like there is with slowly bleeding to death or OD. Please don’t put yourself in that position. I want to see you come out of this alive.

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  7. This.shaking says:

    Rea – Sweet Heart – TS is here too … admiring you and Everest cuddling.
    I don’t know if this is proper to ask this …. so just make a rude noise or give me a swift kick … I want to ask because I love you guys… may I please cuddle with you?
    Is it OK with Everest?
    Or I could just sit here quietly in the corner. Let me know if you or Everest needs anything.
    Would you like me to read you a story? I read nicely, but I have a funny accent, because I grew up in two very far away and very different countries.
    OK, I will shut up now, but I’ll check in to see how you guys are doing later. TS

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      1. This.shaking says:

        YAY, Rea and Everest – just putting on some soft, pretty, clean jammies. I have books ranging from board books my granddaughter started with, through school age chapter books, like Winnie the Pooh, to great fiction, poetry and, well … what do You Guys like .. I just got a kindle on sale so can get anything in two flaps of a bird’s wings!!! Does Everest like jerky?? Can I bring cookies, popcorn, cocoa??????? Yay, a sleepover! xo TS

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      2. Will you bring your special choc chip cookies, TS? We like Winnie the Pooh – Tigger is Everest’s favourite, because she is a fierce wild animal too. The best part is when Kanga takes care of Tigger, and they try to figure out what Tiggers Like Best.

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  8. Rea,
    While I don’t know how you specifically feel, I understand that place where death seems better than life.
    I know it well. And I’m often still there.
    You’re not alone there, even though it feels like it.
    I love you, Rea. I know that’s not enough, but it’s true. Wrapping you in a big hug. ❤️

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  9. This.shaking says:

    Dear Rea and Everest: I have not heard from you guys in such a long time. I am worrying about you. I would like to stop by for another cozy night of cuddles, Winnie-the-Pooh and cookies. I could bring a truckload of Kindness, too, in case you need any. Really close by – TS

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